My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
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My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
Bed should get ready for ME
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
That time I was late for work and the boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed to call people that any more.”
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”