My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
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I put the p in pants.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
Saturday
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.