My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
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friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
for all #parents out there
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
This chloroform smells expensiv…
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*