My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
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Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
fixed it
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”