My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.

You Might Also Like


“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag


Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.


10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.


My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.


HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here


Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.


Man: Is there a doctor in the house?

Dr: I have a PHD in literature

Man: This man is having a heart attack!

Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…


[special ops briefing]

Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out


Why does Mommy always say no?

Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.


I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).