@MoistPork

My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.

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@DannyZuker

“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag

@LurkAtHomeMom

Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.

@FunnyBison

10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.

@ANastyGorilla

My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.

@dafloydsta

HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here

@JB4Realz

Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.

@OctopusCaveman

Man: Is there a doctor in the house?

Dr: I have a PHD in literature

Man: This man is having a heart attack!

Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…

@

[special ops briefing]

Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out

@FeverFlave

Why does Mommy always say no?

Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.

@Metalligretch

I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).