My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
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I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.