@MoistPork
@DannyZuker “Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
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@DannyZuker 
@LurkAtHomeMom Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
@FunnyBison 10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
@ANastyGorilla My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
@dafloydsta HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
@JB4Realz Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
@OctopusCaveman Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
@FeverFlave Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
@Metalligretch I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).