My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.

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Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.


My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.


A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.


“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”

– People who don’t have kids


OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.


The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.


If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs


The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.


If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.