@JimmerThatisAll

My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.

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@dafloydsta

Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.

@CYComedy

My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.

@joeljeffrey

A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.

@SardonicTart

“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”

– People who don’t have kids

@ceejoyner

OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.

@hipchkk

The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.

@sonictyrant

If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs

@chopper4jk

The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.

@Donna_McCoy

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.