My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
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Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
where the womens at?
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
OMG 🤣🤣
hi why am I like this
🥶🥶🐶🐶
How to draw a duck
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
Worth the read.
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove