Dance like you’re not the father
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….
Uh huh ….
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What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW
*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me: “bad friday”