Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: How was work?

Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into

W: I despise you

*Takes your face in my hands*

*Looks deep into your eyes*

*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *

Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.

Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.

Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer

The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.

Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.

I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit

VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!

I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.

coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what

[walking into a gym]

me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories

What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂

Seems kinda suspicious

You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…

nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed

“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”

My front facing camera:

Me: I disagree.

Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat

Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.

If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?

Twitter :

Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones

I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.

I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.

ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater

Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem

Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic

Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born

Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day

LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.

I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.