My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
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DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
Penguins walking in 5x speed
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.