My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
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If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
Always leave them wanting their money back.
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you