My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
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In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat