My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
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Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
oh you like architecture? name three walls
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
Worst bar ever.
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”