My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
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*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
Accurate
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
Storm Tropical Storm