Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”

Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”

Me: *dances*

Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”

I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga

Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick

Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶

Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁

I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say

the beatles: all you need is love

haddaway: I have a question

Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now

friend: why do u look sad

me: I have wrongdog

friend: what’s wrongdog

me: *big breath in*

50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.

A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.

When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.

The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.

And then the fortune cookie company fired me

I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!

All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.

Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.

There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD

1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II

2) Smork Dirtbag

*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*

[phone buzzes: text from wife]

*slowly puts toilet seat down*

Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?

Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector

This tweet is brought to you by Tesco

Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it

I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together

i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”

3: Can I be Cinderella?

Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.

3:

Me: Well?

3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?

[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”

Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking

A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”

It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.

Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.

“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently

No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.

Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.

Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.

Me: That’s different, that’s food.