My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
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Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
Who chose this font
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave