My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
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Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Brilliant!
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
That 👊
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
Customize Your Wedding.
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
How it started: How it’s going: