My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
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[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.