Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.

Got an annoying neighbour? Leave a note on their car: “Sorry about the damage, but I’ve patched it up so you probably can’t even see it.”

Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.

no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again

I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.

I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.

Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.

[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started

Whoa 😂

One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely

11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day

me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster

gf: you know you could have just taken a photo

Oh my god checked my email and it turns out I’m being rewarded with the opportunity to take advantage of an offer. Today is my day.

Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”

*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”

I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5

I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.

Spotify: enjoy the next 30 minutes commercial free

Also Spotify: we have no concept of time

Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.

christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks

Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?

Me: *sound of footsteps running away*

[first day as a bartender]

*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*

Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of

I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.

I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.

I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.

british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”

Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump

I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.

Fun tip:

Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.

*thumbs up*