My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
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How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
Shark week, but for squirrels.
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*