My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
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My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you