My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
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Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger