my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
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I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
They grow up so quick
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
The biggest mystery of our time
how to exercise your calf muscles
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?