@david8hughes

My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.

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@WheelTod

Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.

@Goofpoops

Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat

@TheBoydP

What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?

Wishful thinking. Obviously

@captaincoximus

When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework

@Cheeseboy22

I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?

@XplodingUnicorn

My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.

@atDevin

I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me

@7_Cents

Vin Diesel: Is it fast?

Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.

Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?

@alldrolledup

You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you

@HomeProbably

GF: “Can I be frank?”

Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”