My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
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Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Storm Tropical Storm