My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
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One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
My life in a nutshell
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs