@bazecraze

My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.

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@DamonHunzeker

Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.

@E_lok44

The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.

@TrueTorontoGirl

Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.

@Playing_Dad

If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?

4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.

@ericonederful

Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.

@E_lok44

The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.

@CornOnTheGoblin

[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles

@Miltgen

“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”

@mortimermaiden

Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.