My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.

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Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.


The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.


Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.


If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started


Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?

4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.


Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.


The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.


[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles


“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”


Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.