@bazecraze
@DamonHunzeker Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
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@DamonHunzeker 
@E_lok44 The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
@TrueTorontoGirl Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
@Playing_Dad If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
@XplodingUnicorn Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
@ericonederful Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
@E_lok44 The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
@CornOnTheGoblin [presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
@Miltgen “What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
@mortimermaiden Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.