My friend is an excellent librarian.
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did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
My favorite sport ? Lasagna