My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
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I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again