my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
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her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see