My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
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Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad