My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
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Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
me as a parent
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones