My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
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Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
The dark side of Canada
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
Previously On Persistence 😎
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle