My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
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There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
new shirt idea
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.