My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
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starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
nice challenge
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”