my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
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*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?