@KizerBillhelm

My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.

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@AlottaInfo

And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…

@Chase_Observes

Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.

@wildethingy

Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.

– a short history of responsibility

@BernieBroStar

Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.

@Izianikapani

Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.

@Fulkery1

My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.

@WetMascara

Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.

@WilliamAder

Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.

@hoedeehoe

1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)

Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?