And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
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Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.
– a short history of responsibility
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)
Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?