My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
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if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
Sounds like a bargain
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together