My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
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What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick