@Adam__Melia

My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.

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@Amusitr0n

[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself

@longwall26

Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.

@PyrBliss

I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.

@topaz_kell

“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.

@TheHatStore

me: I want to buy some drugs

dealer: are you a cop

me: would I get a discount

@jimmytorosian

[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-

Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!