My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
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Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
Do not levitate over flowers
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days