My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.

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[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself


Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.


I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.


“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.


me: I want to buy some drugs

dealer: are you a cop

me: would I get a discount


Narrator: These are real people and not actors-

Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!