My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
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It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.