My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
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Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
Unimpressed
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.