My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
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[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number