My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
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Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
me when the borders lift
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
*eats only grass-fed donuts
There is no “we” in pizza
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
The only good comments section online is on recipes
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*