My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
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I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else