My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
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can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
Going feral. Y’all need anything?