@AudreyPorne

my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”

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BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels

@AndrewChamings

make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”

@murrman5

[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”

@Feisty_Ginger_6

Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..

I don’t need that kind of negative talk..

@VerbsRProudest

mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.

@BGH70

When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”

Less bleeding is good for not being dead.

@AbbyHasIssues

The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.

@iheartgunts

Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.

@aimiekins

You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.

@crunchenhanced

She’s got a great personality!

It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….