My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
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How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
Still laughing at this stupid meme
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
This dude got his own movie?
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting