My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
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What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
My teenage children choosing violence
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
Friends that check up on you >
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone