My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
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Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
repaired
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.