my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
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It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
I drew y’all a little something.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands