My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
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A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
Wake me when AI does housework
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her