my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
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*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
i now pronounce you bounced.
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.