My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
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I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!